n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
Born and raised in Ipoh of the Silver State (Perak), the former tin-ming town is where I spent my childhood and most of my lifetime. The thought of leaving Ipoh never crossed my mind until I made my decision to further my studies in a university located at the outskirts of Kajang.
At the age of 18, I left home and I had my first taste of living away from home.
It was 2nd July 2015 when I arrived at the university as an enrolled student rather than a prospective student. On that very same sunny Thursday morning, I remember circling around the campus several times trying to locate my assigned dormitory before I managed to check into my dormitory by noon. Bidding goodbye to my parents after lunch in Semenyih town, I officially began my university life AKA living away from home.
Fast forward to March 2019, it has been almost 4 years since I started the new chapter in my life as a university student. The beginning of every new phase is always never easy, I couldn't sleep well during my first few nights at the dorm and I often had a sudden sensation of surrealism hitting me at the most random moment, leaving me in slight confusion and disorientation back then.
Nevertheless, things got better as time passed by. My sleep quality improved and I stopped experiencing odd instants of being disengaged with my surroundings as I gradually adapted to my new lifestyle.
Looking back, I'd like to consider myself a lucky person because I was able to meet and learn from many amazing people of different cultures and backgrounds in class and the clubs I joined along with my university journey. Although some of these kind souls might turn out to be the temporary people in my (later) life, I'm always thankful to have friends that I can truly laugh, cry with and be myself.
Whenever I take a step back to look at the bigger picture, I'm always amazed at how these hooman beans who were once strangers became such an inseparable element of my life.
Despite running on different class schedules and pursuing different degrees, we always manage to get together at the end of the day. We eat, study, travel, drink, go on night drive, have late night talks and sleepovers... whenever our schedules permit. Having these people whom I hold dear to my heart close to me, my life is never dull and always exciting - they gave meanings to those seemingly mundane and uninteresting daily activities.
With them, I need not play pretend nor play along to fit in.
I'm at ease for being who I am.
In their presence, I find comfort, solace, and refuge.
They are the pillar of my strength
And the cause of my euphoria.
Meeting them is one of the best things that happened to me at university. Lost and clueless back then, I grew to understand myself and establish my own identity in relation to these people, as they too reflect certain embodiments of me. I found my sense of belonging.
In spite of all these, I couldn't shake off the subtle feeling of being out of the place at times whether it's amidst some normal conversations with people or while carrying out some daily activities. I'd find myself left with a twisted perception of truth and a lost sense of belonging after being suddenly caught in a trance with an unexplainable sense of alienation and estrangement clouding my mind.
"Are you really comfortable with them?"
"Do you truly fit in here?"
"Are you following their ways to do things?"
"Why are you here?"whispers a soft voice in me.
Spending 4 years or almost a fifth of my life away from home, I thought I would have adjusted relatively well to university life and get along with the people but the nagging feeling of feeling displaced and occasionally unwelcomed never seems to cease bothering me despite my attempts to block them out from time to time.
Little did I know the whole thing with feeling being out of place and uneasy in a setting I've spent for 4 years, it has something to do with my anxiety, but won't you agree with the following statement:
Home is where the heart is.
How long have you not been home?
Feeling tired or a bit of MONACHOPSIS?
Go home.
Visit your home, take a break and rediscover your happiness.
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